Much-Afraid

I am reading "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard ...again.  This book seems to creep up into my life when I least want to read it.  It is one of those books that kicks my butt everytime I read it.  It is an excellent book.  If you have never read it, read it.  This passage describes how I feel most days...

"Here are the two guides which I promised," said the Shepherd quietly. "From now on until you are over the steep and difficult places, they will be your companions and helpers."

"Much-Afraid looked at them fearfully.  Certainly they were tall and appeared to be very strong, but why were they veiled? For what reason did they hide their faces?  The longer and closer she looked at them, the more she began to dread them. They were so silent, so strong, and so mysterious...

"'They are good teachers; indeed, I have few better...' he said.  'This is named Sorrow. And the other is her twin sister, Suffering.'

"Poor Much-Afraid! Her cheeks blanched and she began to tremble from head to foot. She felt so like fainting that she clung to the Shepherd for support.

"'I can't go with them,' she gasped. 'I can't! I can't! O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn't you have given Joy and Peace to go with me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!' And she burst into tears."

"A strange look passed over the Shepherd's face as he listened to this outburst, then looking fearfully at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, 'Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you.  Will you still trust me, Much-Afraid?...'

"Much-Afraid shuttered...Sorrow and Suffering had always seemed to her the two most terrifying things which she could encounter. How could she go with them and abandon herself to their power and control? It was impossible.  Then she looked at the Shepherd and suddenly knew she could not doubt him, could not possibly turn back from following him; that if she were unfit and unable to love anyone else in the world, yet in her trembling, miserable little heart, she did love him.  Even if he asked the impossible, she could not refuse."

I want to be...

We all want to be something else.  "I want to be _____________ (smarter, skinner, stronger, healthier, richer, happy, patient, married, loved, a parent, accepted, vulnerable, known, beautiful, etc....you fill in the blank).  We all do it at some point in our life.  If you say you don't you are lying to yourself.  Why are we always striving to be more than we are?  Why are we not happy with who we see in the mirror everyday? 

I have struggled with this for years. Recently, I have been convicted that this is a very selfish thought process.  Scriptures say that we have been made in the image of God.  Think about that.  There is something about you that reflects the very nature of God.  That is humbling.  I (and you) have been uniquely created by God.  When we look at ourselves and think that what we are isn't good enough, that is telling God that what he made is junk.  We are telling him that being made in His image, the creator of everything, the most powerful, majestic, just, gracious and loving God, isn't good enough.  We always want more thinking it will make us happier.  Selfish. 

In realizing this, I decided that I want to be......content...... in all circumstances (and right now, some of my circumstances are really making this difficult).  Honestly though, being content in God and how he made me is the only thing that is really going to make me happy.  I want to challenge my lifestyle and frame of mind to be more like Christ.

I want to be healthy, not skinny.

I want to focus on my awesome marriage, not the fact that we don't have children yet.

I want to find one joyful thing in everyday, not focus on negative aspects of my days.

I want to look in the mirror and be astounded by how God created me, not focus on my flaws.

I want to be a reflection of my creator in every aspect of my life......something beautiful.